We’ve gotta talk about New England. A place that I called home for six total years of my life! I went to third, fourth grade and COLLEGE there. Formative years! Eight of my favorite friends are from outside of Boston!! Still, I am too weak-willed to make it through a trip there unscathed.
I visited Provincetown a week ago and returned with Covid (a woman wet coughed directly in my face) and a severely damaged ego. My travel companions were shocked by how I was received, but I wasn’t. It started with a woman intently watching me eat a bagel and asking loudly if I needed a napkin and ended with a TSA agent at Logan yelling “did I tell you you could take a bin? Stand there until I say so.” Don’t get me started on when I tried to save two seats on the ferry. That did not go over well.
At one point in Provincetown, our waiter brought me my bowl of granola and said “here’s your bowl of shit as you would call it,” he was mad that I had asked for an iced oat milk latte. I exclaimed, “I want to be on good terms with you!” he shook his head in disgust and turned away.
I’ve fallen into an easy West Coast ditziness since returning to California and was caught completely off guard. I shouldn’t have been. I have known for years that people in New England sense weakness/passivity/chillness (whatever you want to call it) and hate it.
I should have known I wasn’t cut out for this particular cluster of states on my first day at Trinity College when I was briefly, gloriously inducted into an exclusive group of girls in my dorm- they asked me to get ready with them before going out to ~the frats~. I couldn’t believe my luck. We had only met hours ago and we already had a catchy acronym for our group. My initials fit smack dab in the middle. I couldn’t wait to get ready in the main blonde girl’s stunning Lily Pulitzer decorated room that smelled like clean laundry and Miss Dior perfume.
I naively went to take my math placement exam to see if I would need to take a special extra math 101 course for the kids that really couldn’t grasp the subject (spoiler, I did get put in math 101 and got a B-). When I returned to North dorm, the girl group was nowhere to be found. I knocked on the Lily Pulitzer door and no answer. I saw them out later and they all gave me closed mouth smiles and strangled “hey” before walking away. It turns out they had found a Caroline from Connecticut to fill their “C” quota.
I should have known two years later when I was stretching with my swim team and one guy exclaimed “we’re all from coastal states!! except Charlotte….”
I REALLY should have known when I tried to crack a joke during the Giants v Patriots Superbowl watch party (not cool of me).
I should have known post graduation at a party in DC when I excitedly went to say hi to the girl who had been my Spanish partner for two years and she introduced herself to me. I explained to her that we knew each other and she said “I know, it’s just polite to introduce yourself to people.”
It’s not that I’m not cool (I am, i swear), it’s just that Western Calm doesn’t quite translate in New England. There are social rules that I will never understand.
Anyway, I’m over it. I swear! I’ll just keep recounting my trials for anyone willing to listen.
I’m just going to do a quick overview of what I’m watching/ reading because that was a lot of words and I know we don’t have the attention spans we used to.
Survivor (CBS)- I watched the premiere and it seems like an amazing cast so far!
The Reboot (Hulu) - Not perfect but light and fun sit com by creators of Modern Family. Just what the doctor ordered.
Our Country Friends by Gary Shteyngart- The literary/ intellectual version of the show Friends From College. Lots of drama and intrigue already. TW- it takes place at the beginning of the pandemic.
All Signs Point To Paris by Natasha Sizlo- A great post-breakup adventure.
Gilmore Girls (Netflix) - Cured me of Covid. I now believe that seasons two and four are the best seasons, a major departure from my long-held belief that season 3 (the Jess season) and season 5 (the Logan season) were superior. How silly was I?
FBI International (CBS)- My favorite procedural of last year is back with a new season. And a new agent has joined the team to shake things up.
Tell Me Lies (Hulu) - The series continues to veer from the book in an intriguing way.
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Bravo) - Lisa Rinna is doing her Rinna thing with Kathy but we’re wise to it now.
The Change by Kristen Miller- Women who gain powers after going through menopause and solve crimes! One of the highlights of my month.
Bad Thoughts by Nada Alic- 5.5 OUT OF 5 STARS. The funniest writing I’ve read in years. I’m savoring every moment.
Ok, don’t get mad at me for the New England slander! Bye! TTYL!