Wow, what a packed four weeks. Not only did I spend hours thinking about transitioning my hair from a side to middle part in order to finally be trendy, but I traveled to three different banks in search of quarters for laundry (there’s a coin shortage!!). On top of that, I strategically ate all the cookie dough (leaving the ice cream) from my favorite non-dairy dessert, watched five (out of five) seasons of Lucifer, and produced a photoshoot of Poppy with purses. I’m exhausted just talking about it.
The Decision to Transition My Hair from a Side to Middle Part
I went to a restaurant (socially distanced outside etc.) and saw a 6’7 man who I presume was a professional athlete because he sat at a corner table with a little entourage and bottle service (at 6:15pm on a Sunday). However, I can’t confirm his famous status because I don’t watch any sports (never have, never will). With him in his entourage was the tiniest, most put-together woman I’ve ever seen. A modern-day popular girl with a yellow slip dress and pink fuzzy slides. It was 97 degrees and her hair, parted down the middle, was perfectly straight and shiny, pinned back artfully with a barrette, which led me to a realization: my life would be different with a middle part.
Why hadn’t I figured it out before? Statistically speaking, women with middle parts are five times more likely to be easy breezy, calm and cool, and downright trendy.
For instance, I am positive that middle part girls don’t get chin sweat that leads to the dreaded mascne.
Middle part girls just shuffle around in their fluffy slides, propelled by the breeze.
They go about their days without hitting their hands on a ceiling fan or getting hit in the face with an overhanging branch (I realize some of these woes come with being tall but for these purposes, I think that it’s all middle-part related).
They definitely don’t take out their contacts after forgetting they had just eaten wasabi peas.
MP ladies listen to Maggie Rogers in their Jettas while being honked at for being so fun and flirty, rather than being scared to turn left on the yellow… again.
MP ladies wear those trendy bike shorts without having a weird hip to knee ratio.
They don’t use acne patches that stick to their hair in the morning and then not notice until COB.
MP ladies don’t get banned from Poshmark for being “irresponsible” about sending out their clothing.
They have nice cats who don’t bite their noses every morning at 2am.
MP ladies watch ESPN in their free time.
MP ladies can wear those Reformation dresses without medieval-style boob spillage happening.
I realize the journey to middle part won’t happen overnight. I will experiment with a middle-side part before diving whole-heartedly into a true middle. I can’t help but be excited, though, for how my life will change. I picture myself zipping around in an oversized dress with a casual (but expensive) wicker basket, middle part shining in the summer sun, hair tied loosely with a delicate scrunchie. Small strands will fall out, framing my face as a tall man wearing an “I <3 Love Island” t-shirt will reach an arm out stopping me from stepping into oncoming traffic. He’ll pause his music and I’ll see that the was listening to “Me, I Am Mariah, The Elusive Chanteuse". My face will fall because I’ll know he’s too good to be true but he’ll read my disappointment and say “It’s funny, not a lot of straight guys listen to Mariah Carey but I just can’t get enough of this album from 2014. I’m Eric (pronounced Aric)."
Years later, at a dinner party with our wealthy friends in St. Tropez, I’ll think about the part that changed it all and laugh (a hearty, wealthy laugh).
C-ritically Acclaimed’s Pop Culture Top 5 faves
MOVIES (click the links to see trailers)
Fort Tilden - I related to the “vapid twentysomething Millenials” uh oh.
The Babysitter: Killer Queen- delightful teen horror McG situation.
Britney Runs a Marathon -I cringed because the protagonist was really cruel to her friends but I also laughed and cried.
Lost Husband - Less childhood home drama, more Josh Duhamel romance, please.
Love Guaranteed- I usually love bad rom coms but this was just silly :(.
SONGS- as I was scrolling through my weekly Spotify suggestions I chortled thinking about how I pretended that I LOVED James Bay when a guy asked me to go to a concert with him in Denver and I “mouthed the lyrics” for the whole concert.
IN A DREAM- Troye Sivan - dreary fun
Save The Day (With Ms. Lauren Hill)- Mariah Carey - Mariah is back and ready for her memoir!!
I Hope (feat. Charlie Puth)- Gabby Barrett- I’m a sucker for country pop.
Ok On Your Own (feat. Carly Rae Jepson)- mxmtoon - anything with Carly Rae is Rae-O-K with me!
OK Not To Be OK-Demi Lovato and Marshmello - apt.
Hon. Mention- Love Is Religion (Dua Lipa, The Blessed Madonna)- just fun.
TV- forgive me for only featuring four TV shows this month (Housewives counts as just one otherwise they’d dominate the entire category!) but I had to (just had to!) watch 5 seasons of Lucifer, and Love Island US airs new episodes five days a week.
Lucifer- Bones meets Psych- glossy and 2010s mystery of the week feel. I loved it but am exhausted by the emo characters.
The Vow- Creepo depot story about a cult where they play Volleyball from 11pm-5am...
Love Island US- they finally made it as good as Love Island UK. This week was Casa Amor and we all know how that goes….
Real Housewives of…
NY- oh Dorin, you almost left on a high note.
Potomac- Monique sleeping as her guests left her lake house reminded me of myself.
BH- are any of them actually friends with each other?
Poppy vs. Purses
Ok bye! Share with your friends!
Can't argue w any of this. Statistically speaking.